Donkey Punchin' These Munchkins

Update... Two or three nights ago I was looking around for information about the movie Donkey Punch, pretty much to glibly clown a movie I had never even seen. I did this in the spirit of fun and baseless shit talking (the cornerstone of blogging). The problem, as is usually the case with the internetting, was that the longer I looked into that abyss of movie blurbs, the more intrigued I got. Before my attention turned into genuine curiosity I copied and pasted a few zingy quotes here and there and moved on to other things. Over the next day or two I didn't think of Donkey Punch once. Really.

Last night I was looking for something to watch while I passed out. I was tired from playing a show and was pretty stoned in bed when I browsed over to my favorite streaming movie site. Selecting a movie is pretty automatic and unconcsious. I browse the "new releases" and if nothing catches my eye I click a random letter heading of the alphebetized title database. I hit the "D"s and as I scrolled down, there it was. I couldn't resist the temptation to click the "Donkey Punch" icon and the next thing I knew i was watching the title credits roll to the tune of that knife song I'm so sick of.

*******spoiler alert*************************

Most of you seem to be opposed to this film (yeah, i said it, film) for some reason or other, so it shouldn't bother you if i spoil some of the surprises in this nail-biting-no-holds-barred-adrenaline-packed-thrillride.... If you intend on watching the movie, click the link i provided, chill for an hour or so while the movie magic takes place on your screen and then, by all means, read on.

CLICK HERE FOR A GOOD 'OLE FASHIONED FAMILY FUN


The movie begins with three women on vacation by water. One of the girls, the "prudish" one, is getting over a shattered relationship and reluctantly joins her two slut friends for an afternoon of hedonistic escapism. They find themselves at a club where 3 euro-playboys win their attention by 'nicking' a bottle of champagne from another table for them to share. BY THE TIME THE CREDITS ARE OVER they are on the beach with these guys drinking bub, (I believe it's Veuve Clicquot, which this site descibes as a "perfect example of harmony between delicacy and power." Another fun fact... most champagne estates are owned and maitained by widows, VC being no exception. It's not uncommon to toast "The widow Veuve Clicquot" from time to time.) As they're smoking weed on the beach the champagne runs out the moment comes when they look to one another as if to say "where to now?" Then one of them asks... "where to now?". "Well, we could always go to my yacht....." one of the playboys says. This line always works.

It is discovered that the yacht doesn't actually belong to those stuntin' ass scrubs, but to some conveniently absent millionaire that had hired them as crew. They take it out so sea in order to get laid (dog will hunt) thereby entering the danger zone. One of the four semen is a cockney badboy with an Ipod dj console, huge designer sunglasses and a 'fuck-all' 'tude. Essentially that means ecstasy pills for everyone and some special Russian ice which they smoke out of a glass chillum (backlit by the setting sun, no less) while the honeyed tones of progressive house music drones in the background.

High on the back of the boat they have that 3rd grade conversation we all had when sex was mysterious and terrifying. The raver dude, unsurprisingly, asks "Have you ever heard of a ____________?" (i forgot what the term was, but the long and short of it is you get shat on during sex and it gets ground on to yr belly by the shitter's bum.. ewwwww. ) In order to relieve the tension following that remark and to endear herself to their new nautical friends one of the girls (the donky punchee, actually) quips back; "Have you ever heard of a dirty sanchez?" Not to be outdone, the cockney raver bad boy tells them about the fabled ninja sex move the movie is named after. One other crewman, the little brother (donkey puncher) trys to front like he'd done it before, but cockney raver (later killed by "little brother") calls him out on it. It's embarrassing there for a minute but all of the sudden, the E takes hold and it's FUKIN ORGY TIME!

Here's the break down. The girl with the broken heart (Only survivor) and the "responsible" dude (acting skipper aboard later killed by an outboard motor WHILE INSIDE THE BOAT) stay topside and have tender conversation whilst two of the girls and the other three dudes all go below decks to get it on. The street-smart brunette (who kills herself after accidentally motoring the skipper's face off) and a random dude (later flared to death UNDERWATER) are going at it on one side of the room. The raver, who's fucking the blond, beckons to lil' bro (heretofore manning the video camera and touching himself off to the side) to come over and "break off a piece". While he's taking her from behind the raver guy is videotaping them (key plot device, the blackmail tape)saying "you know what to do, right mate?" and sure enough, CRACK. It kind of reminds me of that movie "very bad things".
Chaos breaks loose and a bloodbath ensues.

There are a few highlights in this otherwise pretty average movie. The raver guy is dying with this huge knife sticking out of his chest and to ease the pain does all this K out of the palm of his hand.. kinda like Scarface meets old timey whiskey anesthesia.... Um... the girls also look great. Let's see..... uh.... I'm sure the soundtrack is listenable at best...it's on Warp records, after all....

whatever.


yr man in wnstn
AGL