You know that feeling, the one you get where you think the world / God / Jeff / gluinos are conspiring to make you feel like Lewis Black must feel when he emits one of those near-stroke "bluhbleduhbluhblihfuck" verbal diarrhea explosions?
I think the above being a real poster for a real shitty movie proves that this feeling is not insanity or paranoia, but in fact a metaphysical realization that you are totally fucked.
Actually, now that I see how many times I dropped the f-bomb above, I realize that I didn't sidestep it at all. FUCK.
On the bright side, it seems (from reading the MPAA data on IMDB) that there is an actual donkey punch in the movie, so at least it's not *entirely* one of those movies named like "Robots Buttrape Pirate Zombies With Flaming Medieval Lances", but the plot is about a teenage girl coming to terms with the fact that her best friend may not like her quite as much as she thinks, plus she kissed that guy that she likes in the hall while she was TOTALLY watching them. And she knew it too.
SO i had no idea this existed until this morning. I have not really watched a new movie in the theater (slumdog mills and Transformers excluded) in a while. In fact, the last time I really got excited about seeing something on the big screen was when I gave blood one morning and then hurried to a bar with my friend to do some shots before we went to a Rocky Balboa matinee. Needless to say, the movie was a total fucking thrillride. I even yelled out loud at the screen when Rocky got knocked down once in the first third of the movie.
ReplyDeleteThis shit, though? whoah. I gleaned some choice quotes from internetland that pretty much insure I'll be at home making fun of that shit on OVguide.com on opening night.
The San Francisco Chronicle sez;
"in this version, three adventurous young women on holiday end up on a yacht with four men, where the sex act referenced in the title leads to a tragedy, and just about everyone onboard turns into a paranoid killjoy. The actors are interesting to watch - even when they have their clothes on - but by the unsatisfying ending, the movie seems annoyingly routine."
+++ Joykill? JOYKILL? If i'm ever on a boat with any of you and a girl gets fucked to death you can safely assume i'll be a stick in the mud for the rest of the vacation.
-The Mercury News, Silicon Valley
"It fails early on to establish its characters, although it's hard to care much for these clichéd types. There is the bad boy (Tom Burke), the feisty girl (Jaime Winstone), the party girl (Sian Breck) and the brokenhearted one (Nichola Burley).
+++ What more do you need in the way of character development? "nana was donkey punched to death in a concentration camp and now i seek my revenge on the gentiles".. better yet, buddy cops go undercover trying to bust up a sex ring. One partner says to the other before the Coup de grâce "you're in too deep.."
-The San Diego Union Tribune
“Donkey Punch” played at Sundance, a punchy selection beneath that prestigious event.
+++ "Punchy?" har har har. How about a 'spiking the punch' joke... or 'punch-drunk love'?
-Interview with Nichola Burley by the Guardian
"That scene is shocking however many times you watch it. It's pushed to the limit, but that's what the film needs. The writers Olly [Blackburn] and David [Bloom] took everything from real situations they'd seen and heard, so none of it is far-fetched. You'd probably only have to go to a bar round here" – she gestures in the direction of Leicester Square – "and you'd be sorted."
+++ I call bullshit on this. I know Europe is a magical place where all of our sexual fantasies saunter around speaking with exotic honeyed accents, but seriously? I can go to any pub and find a donkey punch? Are you sure it's not some dumb novelty shot with jagermeister and everclear in it? Do they have a dutch oven there? Is Dirty Sanchez working the bar? Seriously... fuck off.
plus:
-ign.com
"Some of my earlier ideas for a trailer made perfect sense to the average American in our office, but drew blank stares from my European coworkers. Apparently "donkey punch" doesn't translate well.... "
so i call bullshit on that officially.
My favorite is another quote from Nichola Burley (I think read somewhere she wanted to be a vampire when she grew up, by the way)
"Ultimately, Burley was confident enough in the film's moral grounding to take her 70-something Granddad to the premiere. "I don't think he was uncomfortable watching it. Overall he was very proud, bless him."
I'm sick of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.
Theatrically Yrs,
AGL
I am speechless, my fourteen year old boy insides are making my man outsides twitch like Micheal J Fox. The man who got that film name through all the bullshit I am sure you have to go through in Hollywood to get shit done should be given a medal. Or he should be able to donkey punch someone. Twitch.
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ReplyDeleteAnthony - I think the "character development" sought by one of your many (rather impressive) sources goes something like: Johnny really wanted to put his wiener in the butt. Unfortunately, Johnny is socially awkward, for many reasons, not the least of which is his single mother who is crippled by { insert debilitation here, more points for the more establishing / tear-jerking scenes you can milk from it. Alcoholism if you want to be Bukowski gritty, autism if you want to make suburban moms mutter platitudes }. Johnny is also haunted by his strange dreams { insert David Lynch mimeograph scenes here } which always end with { insert public figure with at least a modicum of sexuality OR creature with at least one freakish facial feature and lots of drippiness } popping out of someone's head like a red knot in a Warner Bros. cartoon.
ReplyDeleteOn a class fishing trip, Johnny meets Lindy, a spunky but quiet girl who defines herself as the victim of { pick one: rape, incest, the Gap, bubblegum pop }. Their romance inexplicably accelerates until Johnny finally gets a chance to do it in the butt, but at the moment of truth, { insert previous celebrity or creature here } pops out of Lindy's head, and Johnny's twisted psychology reacts by punching it.... But wait, WAS IT ALL A DREAM? Makes you think, huh? Huh? Doesn't it? Like maybe we're all ANTS, man!